


What I Can't Say

by DaydreamersMedicine



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Angst, F/F, Friendship, Kink Meme, Past Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-29
Updated: 2016-11-29
Packaged: 2018-09-03 03:15:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8694229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaydreamersMedicine/pseuds/DaydreamersMedicine
Summary: A Serana angst fic with some light backstory and f/f shipping.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a short work I posted on a skyrim kinkmeme a long time ago, but I enjoyed writing it and cleaned it up a bit, so I'm posting it here too. No explicit content.

Serana looked over at her companion. Marian was a girl with a heart as gentle as her smile. In battle she was unmatched, but as soon as the clashing of blades and fangs ended she was calm, she was civil, she was kind. She had done more than help Serana, she had saved her in a way. She was her only friend, and the truest friend anyone could hope to have. It was a joy to travel by her side. Serana had eventually come to realize Marian was attracted to her in a way. They spent so much time together it would seemed natural to an outsider

              But she had to smile and pretend not to notice the way she flushed when Serana was occasionally forced to drink from her, or that she stares a bit when they clean each other's wounds in the cold stream, or the look on her face like she's about to ask a question when they share a bed to save money at an Inn. She has to reassure herself that what they have between them is nothing more than a good friendship. Because anything else... was _agony_.

              It was confusing. It was painful to think about, to remember. Serana trusted Marian, but she couldn't allow her to get too close. She couldn't handle it if they did.

              "What's wrong, Serana? You seem quiet." Serana did not answer, and stared into the fire they had built. She could never tell her why she couldn't return her feelings. Marian didn't need to hear about those kinds of things. She could only casually imply that her innocence was ripped from her by the Daedric Prince of Domination on the night her parents forced her to become a vampire. She could never vocalize that ever since then physical closeness only made her think of the most agonizing pain to exist. She had been killed during the ceremony as Molag Bal ravaged her on his blood-soaked altar. On her dying breath she could have wept for joy to be freed from life, but as that moment passed, Molag Bal trapped her soul in his claws and forced an unholy kind of existence on her and made her awaken as a vampire. Clawed hands had caressed her cheeks and blood-stained lips brushed her skin in a twisted mockery of lovemaking. Anything more than the blinding flashes of pain and terror she had mostly forgotten, but sometimes that night came back to her.

              She didn't want to talk about how much she feared something would drive them apart like her own parents. The only people who had claimed to love her unconditionally used her as a pawn. She could never tell her that she didn't fully understand her own emotions because of what happened, her only context for affection that of horrific violence or betrayal. She had stood by and watched as her father, who she believed loved her, turn to her and look her in the eye as he planned to kill her. She had pounded her fists against the stone chamber she was sealed in, screaming for her mother to come back before slipping into a centuries-long sleep...

              And the one to awaken her was not the people who claimed they cared about her, but a stranger. The only person who had ever asked her if she wanted to be a vampire, the only one who realized how painful it was for her to kill her father even if her own death was the only alternative, the only person to show her kindness was this odd Nordic girl. Everyone regarded her as a monster, a feral beast in human form, and the ones who didn't only saw her as a means to an end. Everyone except Marian. She still couldn't understand why, and was secretly afraid of the day when she too would turn on her.

              Friendship was new and scary in of itself, but she knew _love_ was nothing but a chance to be used, torn apart, and left all alone. Maybe it existed normally for some people, but not her, _never_ her.

              She didn't want to hurt her friend like that.

              Marian was kind, she was innocent...or at least optimistic, naive to these kinds of truths in the world. She needed to be with someone who could share her gentleness, not someone who would flinch from an embrace on instinct. She needed to be with someone who could share the warmth of _life_ with her, not a cold vampire.

              She loved her friend, and that is why she could never allow her closer. 

              "Oh, I'm fine, don't worry." She answered.

              "Serana..." Marian stopped her unasked question, but Serana heard it anyway. _Why won't you let me in?_

              Oh, if only she knew.


End file.
